Celebrity Logic Baffles Me.

I get that Britney wants a perfume. And Jessica wants a clothing line. But Bono designing advanced consumer electronics? At least those two nitwits know something about smelling good and dressing well (I assume, at least in the case of Jessica, although Brit is trying, bless her little trashy heart). But now Bono thinks he can revolutionize mobile technology.

How exactly would that work? If he’s following his musical career path the phone would be really cool and interesting at the start, but then become ridiculous and ostentatious as time went on. It would most certainly suffer from “feature-bloat” as have U2′s live shows, going from little local pubs to bizarre spectacles of televised egomaniacal gluttony. And then it would start pretending to be more than a phone. It would want to meet with other devices, espousing personal beliefs and philosophies that no one asked to hear. And while it might be doing good work, the stench of crass commercialism would permeate all its doings. Eventually, you’d realize it’s not the phone you bought initially, or even want to use anymore, since there are other, more groundbreaking devices, and this one just pisses you off when you look at it.

And you’ll go on to something else, but it’ll still be yapping away in your old gadget drawer, in a futile effort to remain relevant, using the guise of humanitarianism to cloak more sinister corporate and political desires. Or something like that.

Wait – My iPhone Can Do WHAAAT?

Since getting an iPhone this summer, and becoming obsessed with it, as I do with any and all gadget-related things in my life (if only other pursuits were able to harness the fury with which I lust after gadgets, I’d probably be living a much more well-rounded life, but I digress), I have found a few websites to keep track of new apps and cool stuff you can add to your phone to make it more useful, fun, or what-have-you. One I check regularly is called AppShopper, and it does a really great job of charting price drops and increases, updates, new apps, and everything else that might fluctuate within the Apple App Store ecosystem.

But since the advent of the App Store, there have been so many shitty, SHITTY, worthless, dog barf apps that have come out, you often have to wade through a sea of runny ‘rhea to get to that diamond in the rough, especially if it’s something new that no one’s downloaded, crapped their pants over, and reviewed on iTunes already. I finished my work for today, and headed over to check out some new stuff, and thought I’d just drop in to share some of today’s highlights with you.

First up is this piece of shit, which caught my eye not because of the busted-ass whore in the slutty schoolgirl garb, or for the idea that I could prank(!) my friends, but because of the “attractive brown background” update. Make a note of that one.

Then there’s Baby Sign ASL, which is a way for you to teach your young child some of the basics of American Sign Language. I’m sure this is a great way to communicate early on with your youngster, hearing-impaired or not, except that this little girl is throwing the metal horns, and looking like she’s about to eat your face while rocking out to some Sabbath.

Because if you’re a total moron idiot with no social tact or grace, simply ponying up for an iPhone and this app will suddenly yield you the keys to the Fuck Kingdom on DoinIt Mountain.

For the girls that need to ferret out (verb choice deliberate) the users of the application listed above.

Did YOU know cups were amazing? I mean, sure, they hold our drinks, and possibly small snacks like candy and delicious Bugles, and I saw a hobo make one into a totally effective megaphone on the streets of San Francisco last week, but AMAZING? Well, fuck me sideways and call me Sally, because there it is, plain as day. And look! Now “free mode” won’t be so buggy when I play it! Awesome!

Ah, the simple joys of a guessing game. Great for children to learn numbers. Psst – you know what else is great for children to learn numbers? PARENTING AND SCHOOL.

And since Apple started allowing slightly NSFW apps in the store, we have an absolute DELUGE of crap like this:

If, quite simply, you LUV to fart.

If you don’t LUV it, but you want people to think you did it. Which makes no sense at all.

For getting to the bottom of those fart mysteries that surround us all.

And this, for people who like to fart while painting the sky on mescaline.

Sadly, I could do this all night.

Oh…

And my MySpace page access has been restored, for those of you keeping score at home.

On The Rocks

You know what I love? Glitchy MySpace problems! I love love LOVE them. So yesterday, I am doing some things, whatever, responding to a message or two, log out.

Come back later, password does not work. Better yet, now I get sent to a screen with a captcha, which clicks back ON ITS OWN to the login page, that is still not working. So not only can I not log in, I can’t even verify my account status, because the page is reloading itself too quickly.

Really MySpace?

Really?

Haven’t we been getting along lately? I’ve been pleased with your subtle upgrades over time, and I really kind of figured we had an understanding. I wouldn’t overuse you, and you would be there for me, when I need to feel like I’m not a monstrous hermit who alienates himself from everything around him because of deep-seated masochistic tendencies.

And now this.

*sigh*

“MySpace – A Place For Friends”…

I really thought we were. I guess I’m just stupid that way.