Synaptic Cynicism

The Week’s Inane Ramblings for 2009-05-31

• I can’t tell you how glad I am that American Idol is over. That show is the visual and musical equivalent of a solid punch in the yambag. #

The Week’s Inane Ramblings for 2009-05-10

• What’s this “sun” I keep hearing about? #

The Week’s Inane Ramblings for 2009-05-03

• Do I go grocery shopping, run errands, and enjoy the weather, or inexcusbly drink myself back to sleep on the couch and wake up sweaty? #
• Ugh. iPhone keyboard + Sunday morning fog = spelling mistakes. I meant, *inexcusably*. But the sentiment remains true. #
• FUCK this swine flu bullshit. No doubt people are getting sick, but causing a fucking panic is the last thing this world needs right now. #
• “Could kill 71 million people worldwide and push the economy into a “major global recession” – THIS SHIT NEEDS TO STOP. #
• PS, Bloomberg.com: THE LAST TIME I CHECKED WE WERE IN A FUCKING WORLDWIDE RECESSION ALREADY. OR IS THAT OVER AND NO ONE TOLD ME? #
• Ok, sorry about that torrent of profanity. I’m just tired of hearing about this stuff. Back to your regularly scheduled ranting. #
• Swine flu rage, take 2: STOP MAKING PEOPLE FUCKING PANIC. Twitter, I really expected more from you. I guess that was my problem. #
• Dear people who use stars and other little shapes in Twitter names: it’s not cute. Stop that shit. Do you think it makes you special? #

The Week’s Inane Ramblings for 2009-04-26

• Cold, depressing rain. The week’s way of saying, “hey – fuck you”. #
• Fortune cookie: “You’re only as dumb as you think you are, moron.” #
• LOST: feel free to suck it, and do so with reckless abandon. Posturing a clip show as “new” is just a shitty thing to do to people. #
• I know I shouldn’t complain, as it was so nice today, but now the area behind my knees is sweaty. And this apt is just stuffy as all hell. #

The Week’s Inane Ramblings for 2009-04-19

• Hey Spring! Whaddya say you stop being such a little bitch and make with the sun and warmth? Maybe you didn’t get the memo: winter is OVER. #

The Week’s Inane Ramblings for 2009-04-12

• I am slowly becoming a failed product of my laziness. Clean laundry has become a near-otherworldly concept. #

Celebrity Logic Baffles Me.

I get that Britney wants a perfume. And Jessica wants a clothing line. But Bono designing advanced consumer electronics? At least those two nitwits know something about smelling good and dressing well (I assume, at least in the case of Jessica, although Brit is trying, bless her little trashy heart). But now Bono thinks he can revolutionize mobile technology.

How exactly would that work? If he’s following his musical career path the phone would be really cool and interesting at the start, but then become ridiculous and ostentatious as time went on. It would most certainly suffer from “feature-bloat” as have U2’s live shows, going from little local pubs to bizarre spectacles of televised egomaniacal gluttony. And then it would start pretending to be more than a phone. It would want to meet with other devices, espousing personal beliefs and philosophies that no one asked to hear. And while it might be doing good work, the stench of crass commercialism would permeate all its doings. Eventually, you’d realize it’s not the phone you bought initially, or even want to use anymore, since there are other, more groundbreaking devices, and this one just pisses you off when you look at it.

And you’ll go on to something else, but it’ll still be yapping away in your old gadget drawer, in a futile effort to remain relevant, using the guise of humanitarianism to cloak more sinister corporate and political desires. Or something like that.

The Week’s Inane Ramblings for 2009-04-05

• Monday: like that annoying ex-girlfriend who won’t just piss off and leave you alone already. #

The Week’s Inane Ramblings for 2009-03-29

• That headache from the other day? It called its buddy indigestion to come party. Ugh. What a bunch of assholes. #
• Dear Monday: I know we’ve had our differences, and I thought we’d sorted them out. Clearly we haven’t. Suck it. #
• Dear Monday: Ok, so it’s nice that you’re almost over. But we’re still not cool. Don’t go getting all comfy with yourself. I’m not pleased. #
• Dear Tuesday: Do us both a favor and don’t be like Monday. I don’t know what I was thinking getting involved with that asshole. #

A Quick Thought On A Saturday Morning

Why the hell does Comedy Central, a network that, by its own admission, is devoted to making me laugh, at its commercial breaks show the longest, most depressing, soul-blackening “starving African child” money-beg adverts?

Think about it. I tuned in because my life is painful and depressing enough. Granted, I’m not an idiot, things could be so much worse, believe me, I know. I’m never ungrateful for what I have, and as I get older, in fact, have become even more aware of how much worse it could be. But on a Saturday morning, when I throw on your channel to watch some funny things, don’t – DON’T – break away from a funny show to tell me the story of “Alex”, whose parents were both killed, and who has to, at the age of twelve, take care of his FOUR younger brothers. DON’T tell me how he fears for the future of his family, and how he often doesn’t eat food for himself, but rather gives it to his younger siblings.

It’s my weekend. If I wanted to feel bad about myself, I’d think of all the time I’ve wasted drinking myself into a stupor and all the missed opportunities I passed up in favor of killing the brain cells the good lord gave me. Show me some damned comedy, COMEDY Central.

Unless you’re planning on changing your name to “Blindside Central”. In which case these choices of commercials will fit in perfectly well with your other planned programming. Which, I assume will include shows about people winning large sums of money only to be told that they will be hunted like animals in order to claim it, and many others.